Day trip: Portland, ME

On Monday I received news that my weekly staff meeting ordinarily on Wednesdays would be cancelled. I noticed that Roman also had the day off, so I told him that if he planned it, we could take a day trip somewhere. He took me up on it and planned us a nice excursion!

So we got up semi-early, tended the garden and flower beds, and packed ourselves up for a trip to Portland. We started our day at the Crescent Beach State Park.

Beach bums.

It was a pretty good beach day, cool in the shade and not scorching hot. Luciana had tried the water at Salisbury Beach two weeks ago with no success: too cold, guys! This beach had a nice little river over the sand so she could get used to the idea of sitting in the warm water. She enjoyed that and so I bundled her up in the wrap I bought for swimming and we went into the cooler ocean water. She enjoyed being in the wrap though the water was a bit too cold for her still, but once she got used to it she even fell asleep as we waded in water deep enough to cover her toes. She took a nice nap while we enjoyed the water a bit more, had lunch, and then rested on the beach blanket ourselves. She was a little celebrity on the beach, flashing her joyful smile at everyone and receiving compliments all day long.

Next we headed into Portland. We arrived around 4 and had two hours to walk around the Old Port, enjoying the little shops. Of special note was the Cabot cheese shop which had samples of all their cheeses: yum! We had a sampler plate dinner at Gilbert's Chowderhouse complete with locally made blueberry and summer ales at a little seafood place - shrimp cocktail, fried scallops, a lobster roll, and a cup of clam chowder - divine. After dinner we walked along a beautiful paved trail along the water until it got dark.

Luci rode along for the first time in the carrier I recently found on craigslist and seemed to enjoy it.

This girl really loves her Papi.

We finished out our evening eating some of the best ice cream I've ever had, from a little place called Curly Cones. She has a salted caramel fudge ripple flavor that is out of this world and the coconut almond bark is also exquisite. I earned it too: throughout the day, I established a new personal best of my pedometer-wearing life - not even counting the walk on the beach. I'm pretty proud of myself!

The trip home was a little rough. Luciana twice started crying to the point that we had to stop to console her. Maybe we stayed out too late, or the time in the sun got to her, or maybe that bump in her gum is a tooth coming. I eventually sat with her to keep her company and all was well.

It was a really fun family outing. Roman and I have always loved to travel together and we are happy we can share that with our girl now too.

Crawling... almost

I'm ready to call it. I think Luci is crawling. What do you think?

She's been working on her crawl for the past six weeks. It's not quite perfect form yet, but it's pretty good.

Take a look:




It's taken a number of forms, and often requires lots of planks, downward dogs, and faceplants. Seems like she's eliminating those yoga moves and figuring out she doesn't need to be on her feet to crawl.

(I guess it's confusing to learn to crawl by watching a dog walk around.)

She really loves her blue elephant. I observed her take that little trip and thought, I wish I had videoed that. I moved her back, pointed out her toy, and she went right after it again!

Time to babyproof!?!

Reflections of a six-month-old parent

I'm having a moment over here.

Part One: Last Night
It was a rough night, at least in the sense that I didn't get much sleep. My sweet little baby was reportedly a bit grumpy most of the day yesterday and took extra long naps. When I got home from work, she was sleeping. She woke up at 5:30 for about an hour and a half, then went back to sleep around 7. I almost thought/prayed/hoped it was a night-time sleep that would last extra extra long, because any other solution meant less sleep for Mama. (Selfless, I know.) She normally takes a short nap in the evening and then wants to go to bed around 11 or midnight so I knew something was off.

Well my beautiful girl woke up at 10pm. She was up for an hour, but was clearly very tired, so I decided to put her to bed. Swaddle, song, good night, lights out. We check on her for the next hour because she is occasionally singing, talking, fussing, and otherwise indicating that she is not asleep. All with her sleep cues in full force: droopy eyes, rubbing eyes, tired cry.

At close to midnight I check on her. It's been quiet for quite some time so I'm pretty sure she's asleep. No. She is completely broken out of the swaddle, on all fours, staring up at me as I enter the room. So I try again. Swaddle, song, another song, 30 minutes of singing with my hand on her hands inside the swaddle, keeping her still and calm. Usually this is a surefire way to get her to sleep. Not last night. She seems to become more and more awake. I'm ready to go to bed but I can see she is clearly not ready for sleeping. I turn up the light, set her free, and sit down on my bed next to her, and Papi came to join us. We were sitting around and chatting, and watching her play around in her co-sleeper. Next thing we know, she is crawling out of her bed into ours so she can come be closer to us.

Uh oh. Trouble. (Time for a new sleep solution!)

So she crawls around on our bed for a long while before I decide we are going to bed and she can play if she wants to, but I am not. Lights out and good night Luci. An hour or so later she finally falls asleep at my side and so do I. She wakes up a few hours later and I put her in her own bed. We both sleep peacefully well into the morning.

A few days ago, after her nap. Warning! Danger! Mobile baby!

Part Two: This Morning
This morning I was commiserating with a friend about our tricky nights and how it is so hard to know whether you are doing the right thing or not. We are so full of doubt, new parents, aren't we? Every thing that we do is seemingly shaping this little life and there are so many ways to go wrong. For example, sometimes I wonder if I am ruining Luciana's sleep schedule for the rest of her life by not putting her to bed in the early evening like most parents. I wonder if I am setting her up for a life of insomnia and if when she's 34 she'll have trouble falling asleep before 2am like I do. Even though my doctor assures me I am not and continues to encourage me to do whatever works best with my schedule and gets me the most sleep, I still think about it.

But really, deep down, we do know what to do. You listen to your baby and she tells you, and maybe it takes a little extra time because she can't articulate herself very well, but you keep listening and you both figure it out. Not that you give in to every whim and desire, but you listen to the message you are receiving and you respond as best as you know how. And you're both experimenting really - the baby is saying, what will they understand if I straighten my legs after using the potty? Will they know what I need if I suck on their arm? You are figuring out how the little person is communicating, and they are learning how you will respond to what they tell you.

This was my philosophy with Luci as a newborn. You're hungry? It's time to eat. Sleepy? Let's take a nap. Need to comfort nurse? I'm here for you. I thought about how I get to make my own schedule, so why wouldn't I allow her to guide me for hers? It worked really well for us and it has felt natural and right to stick with it for now. So I wasn't upset last night when Luciana was awake at the wrong time. I didn't try to impose my own schedule on her. When it was clear she wasn't ready to sleep, I didn't force it. I considered how to help her make a better schedule, sure. I thought about what might have gone wrong to put her timing off. I definitely planned to do things differently today. But mostly I just sat there watching her crawl around, marveling at her and soaking it all in.

It makes me think about my mom and how she assured me that I'd know what to do as a mom without her. And I don't think she said this, but I heard it this morning in my heart: it's because the baby will tell you. She knows what she needs. She will tell you. Just listen to her.

Perhaps those of you who are seasoned parents are pitying me right now. Maybe you know that I am setting myself up for a horrible next six months. Maybe you worry I won't discipline my child enough. Maybe I myself will look back on this moment and regret everything. Maybe not.

For now, this is how we parent. We're listening, Luciana.

Sitting up and taking notice!

This morning Luciana and I met up with our respective bffs to go to a few yard sales. We found a few cute outfits and then went over for naps (for babies) and breakfast (for grown-ups).

We were sitting around and chatting and all of a sudden this happened, with virtually no warning!

She was pretty wobbly, so the pics are blurry.

I was starting to think she'd crawl before she sat, so at least she snuck this little skill in there first. She also demonstrated her "crawl" today - which consists of getting up on all fours, moving her knees one at a time, then moving both her arms at the same time and face planting forward. (Mean ol' floor, coming up to hit her like that!)

Good job, baby!

(I think she got inspired watching all the big kids in the nursery at VBS this week.)

Broccoli

Today Luci grabbed for my lunch so I shared some broccoli with her. It was pretty cute:

Hey, give me some!

Hmm... this is kind of weird...

Let me think about it...

Yes! I like it!

Broccoli is Granddaddy's favorite vegetable, Luciana, so it's very important that you like it too!

Kisses and Nosies

For the past several months, I've done two little games repeatedly with Luci, whenever she was in the mood:

Kisses: I kiss her cheek near her lips then turn my head to put my cheek on her lips.

Nosies: Eskimo kisses while singing my little "Nosies" chant.

A few days ago, I started having the suspicion she was trying to initiate these little love games, but I thought it might be in my head. Today I became convinced that it was real.

For kisses - she plants her mouth on my cheek and stays there motionless for several moments. I can tell this is different than "I'm hungry let me suck on anything I can find" - which she usually indicates these days by burying her head into my shoulder - because she doesn't (usually) try to latch on or start sucking on my cheek, she just puts her little mouth there and waits. And if I look at her and ask if she is doing kisses she gets a big smile on her face.

But it was Nosies that was really clear as a bell. She grabbed my face, pulled it to hers, and banged her forehead into mine as she frantically bumped my nose with her nose. She repeated it over and over again as I was with her sporadically throughout the day and it tickled my heart each time.

A mom in our church asked yesterday how old she was, and when I said she had just turned six months, she told me what a precious age 6-9 months is because they start giving back all that you've put into them. My first thought was "of course! she's been giving back to me her whole life!" Whether through nursing, or staring intently at my face, or those early smiles, or the looks of recognition, or the big smiles, or the fleeting reaches towards me when she is with someone else, I've felt our relationship grow and grow. I think with those early "giving" responses and reciprocation, it's easy to question whether they are from love or from reflex, on purpose or wishful thinking, by design or by accident. Even if I believe that smiles are smiles, or that what feels like a loving gesture is love, it's hard to ignore those voices that doubt a little baby is capable of that - that all smiles are gas and all cuteness is just a reflex. What was special about today, and maybe what this mom really meant, is that those doubting voices vanish. No one can argue that it didn't happen or that it was just a reflex or that she just has to go to the bathroom (argh, that one especially irritates me!). No other baby but mine will ever grab my face and bang her head against mine until our noses make contact. That's all just for us, and it's special.

Banana!

Luciana turned six months yesterday. The past month has been an explosion of growth and development... well, not so much of physical growth with no weight gain in the month, but she has been moving and shaking so much it's not too big a surprise. I'll write more about that later so I don't forget it all.

For the past week or two we've been sort of playing around with offering her some bits of food. She's been crazy for water, and has protested frequently when I did not immediately give in to her desire, and once even grabbed my glass full of ice cold water and dumped it all over me. Thank you for the bath, little Luz! She does best drinking out of my glass, but is also figuring out my water bottle, and does ok with her sippy cup.

As for food, it seems like a big hassle to switch from nursing exclusively to adding in solids, so in that way I was in no hurry to start. On the other hand, with both asthma or food allergies running in my family, I didn't want to wait too long, especially with the conflicting research lately about whether it is best to introduce early or delay.

She's been staring intently at us eating whenever she is near us during mealtime, staring at the food, then at us, then at the food. So, we took her cue, and sat her in her high chair, propped her up with blankets and a supportive hand, and laid out some yummy-looking pieces of banana. Within moments they were way too slippery for her to handle, and she was definitely much more interested in gnawing on the yummy wooden tray. We tried again a few times with banana, or pieces of avocado. She was interested, but only mildly and wasn't too keen on putting them in her mouth. Not wanting to push her, we sort of sat near her eating our bananas and trying to help her by keeping the food from scooting away from her grip (flail?). No big deal, we thought, she can make a mess and maybe get a few accidental tastes in the meantime to acclimate herself.

Today we ate lunch at church following our morning of VBS. We had packed our usual sandwich and fruit for lunch. As I was finishing up my sandwich with her on my lap, she became very intent on it. She grabbed my hand and pulled the sandwich to her mouth. I let her sort of feel the textures on her lips before eating it myself. Then I started peeling a banana and she got really excited. She grabbed for it and when I took it to the side to keep her from making a mess while I unpeeled it, she expressed her displeasure. I broke it in half and she grabbed my hands and brought it to her mouth, and proceeded to suck on it like a bottle.

She liked it!

Then she broke of a chunk in her mouth and she wasn't sure what she thought of it.

Still yummy, it seems.

Back for more...

Banana love.

Luci love.

Our day in Chatham

Roman and I have played our fair share of weddings together. We almost always enjoy it even though we are celebrating with strangers, and we can usually find some encouragement, conviction, and renewal in the witnessing of someone else's wedding. In the stress of it, we have also had some of our most childish fights on the way to the gig. One of them (many many years ago, of course)  may or may not have ended with me throwing my sandwich at Roman and staining his tux with mustard. Not my finest moment.

Last night I happened to stay at work until around 1am, then I suffered from my usual lie-in-bed-for-two-hours-before-sleeping routine. When my alarm went off at 7:45, I wasn't too eager to obey it. But today's wedding was special. Not only did we have the honor of playing for the wedding of a friend from undergrad and various gigs, we were returning to the place we honeymooned. We were looking forward to going early, spending some time walking around the downtown area, visiting some shops, and having a nice lunch before heading to the wedding venue for our rehearsal.

Well... that was a great plan. Trouble was, after feeding the baby, finding something to wear (which can be its own struggle as we all know! I was searching my closet for something black and clean that fits well enough and wasn't too "concert" dress but not too casual, not too warm, and also conducive to nursing - I was completely dissatisfied with the only option I could seem to find!), dressing up the baby (is this dress dressy enough?), packing the diaper bag (what if she has a crazy day and needs 57 diapers?), blow drying my hair so at least one part of me could look decent (a complete waste of time due to the rain and humidity of the wedding venue), having breakfast, feeding the baby again... let's just say we didn't quite leave as early as we wanted to.

Did I mention I was tired? We may or may not have argued off and on during the 2.5 hour drive there.  Mostly probably because I've been overworking this week and feeling pretty stressed. We also had some good conversation too, don't worry.Then once we arrived, it was rainy and the main street was crowded with cars. We spent a dreary half hour trying to decide where to have lunch, and finally settled on a place where we could have some clam chowder and scallops. It was lovely being back in Chatham though and lunch and the familiar scenery boosted my spirits.

The wedding was lovely and two of our good friends held the baby during our rehearsal and the ceremony itself so we didn't have to worry about Luciana. And as expected, even though we didn't agree with the theology of marriage presented in the wedding, the message still inspired us (me) to do better, convicted us (me) of my shortcomings, and reminded us of the importance of and joy in working on our marriage. The preacher talked about marriage being a device to show you your worst, and I heartily agreed! I think it can also show you your best, if you allow it.

It was really nice to make the switch from "gig" to "guest" - something we don't often get to do. The reception was fun and it was great to hang out with friends. Luciana took a nap just when it was time for dinner, which was excellent timing! We all three spent some time on the dance floor. I did not take a single picture, so you'll just have to believe me that Luci was plenty cute at her first wedding and on her first day wearing 3-6 month clothes.

The most fun part of the evening came when we were resting after dancing. Luci has been increasingly interested for the past few weeks in everything that I put in my mouth, and most especially my water glass. If she's eating and I drink water, she will stop and watch me intently until I'm done. Today as I was drinking with her on my lap, she grabbed the glass and pulled it to her mouth. I let her feel the cold and smooth side of the glass on her mouth. I drank again and this time she grabbed the glass with both hands and pulled the lip of it to her mouth and tried to lift it. I helped her get the water and she was very enthusiastic. The next time I tried to drink she wrested the glass and spilled it all over me! We've been waiting to start solid food until she shows her own interest, so this was just the sort of thing we were hoping for. When I would take the glass away from her she would start to cry a little in protest. It's fun to see her learn to communicate her desires.

When we got home I was about done feeding her and drinking my usual glass of water. She grabbed for my glass, so I cheerfully sat her up and let her have another little drink.

I've been thinking over these past few months about this journey of motherhood and how to make it my own. I've tried to be careful to let Luciana be who she is and how she is in every stage, and to just enjoy her in that moment. In life, in music, in everything, I struggle to not just race from task to task, note to note, finish to finish. It is hard for me to slow down my brain, enjoy the process, and savor each beautiful or difficult moment. I made a decision when she was born to let her teach me. Every day, every stage, every mood is beautiful because it is hers. And I enjoy it.

Have another sip of water, Luci. You're growing up so beautifully. I hope I am too.

Luciana: 5 months

Luciana turned five months old on June 9 (also my big brother's birthday!).

She weighed 12 pounds! She's getting big! She's big and sturdy enough now too that we can hold her flying and her daddy can engage in rough play and make Mama worried.

Most parents stop swaddling their babies around this time in order to prepare for the rolling stage. Not us. All of a sudden she started wanting to sleep in her bed at night, but couldn't seem to get comfortable for more than a few moments before hitting herself in the face. So we started swaddling her. She started sleeping 7-9 hours every other night, and after a few weeks, slept through the night nearly every night (Hallelujah!), with a brief regression when she finally figured out rolling. It came as such a surprise! I wasn't expecting it to happen for a long time. I am still very grateful for it. She even takes her naps in bed and more or less settled into a napping schedule - one late morning, one late afternoon, and a short one in the evening to carry her through until her bedtime. She started out falling asleep around midnight or so, but has slowly been working her way backwards to a 10-11pm bedtime.

Napping at my church office

Her absolute favorite activity is gnawing on our fingers or on her own fist. She loves especially to gum on them where her molars will be. This causes tons of drool.

She is so much more interested in the world now. When she is eating, she is easily distracted by things going on around her. Once Roman was talking to me when I was feeding her, and I spoke back with a loud tone after being quiet for a long time. She pulled away, surprised and then, I swear it, gave me a dirty look for interrupting her. Most of the time she stops eating just to smile at me and look around.

She really enjoys her playmat and we are starting to experiment with the jumperoo, though she's a bit too small. She much prefers this to her two chairs, one of which we had to retire since she refused to sit in it anymore. No big surprise, since she always wants to be standing. Her absolute favorite toy is a flat blue elephant with crinkly paper in it. She's getting good at controlling her hands and putting things in her mouth. She can hold her own bottle. She reaches up and holds onto my face sometimes when we're looking at each other - it's very sweet. We've noticed this month in general that her hands are mostly open instead of mostly in fists and she is losing her cross-eyed focus. She reaches for her toes but doesn't really seem to know they are hers yet.

I do still wear in her my stretchy wrap, but it's getting a little too warm for it. It's impossible to wear her now at church now while I play with the band but we nearly always can find a willing volunteer to hold her for a few moments.

I usually assume that she is probably delayed in her development - maybe because she is so small (still in 0-3 month clothes), or maybe to compensate for my fear of having unreasonable expectations of her. I happened to see a checklist of five-month milestones and was surprised to see that she had hit them all, including recognizing her name, which I hadn't even noticed had happened. (It probably helps that I sing her name to her all day long.)

When she turned four months old, I also went back to work at Gordon, my 20-hour office job. This means I now have a base of 40 hours of work plus my free-lancing each week. It felt great to get back to work on the one hand, but it is tricky to figure out the new patterns. I also never really wanted my two part-time jobs to equal a full-time job, so that is something I now need to figure out. Roman is mostly working evenings these days, though, so we don't have to get a baby-sitter terribly often. They love going grocery shopping together - she gets lots of attention from all the people there and usually gets really excited.

Visiting me at work!

Sometimes I wonder if she will love me less than other babies love their mamas since I'm away from her for long stretches, and love her papi more, but I realize that is silly and irrational. Her love is deep and innocent and true, and there's certainly plenty to go around, and I think it is very special that they have this time together.

At Papi's Graduation!

In general, a very happy month.

We love you, Luciana.

Oh happy day

It was a day full of many beautiful little things that combined for an overall really great day.

1. I woke up refreshed and happy. So did the baby.

2. I played a lovely volunteer fund-raiser for my favorite orchestra. I got to sight-read trios with two wonderful people while people walked around enjoying the lavish home gardens at which we were playing. No pay, but we did walk away with cuttings of a Star of Persia plant. So pretty!

3. Enjoyed the commute for the gig with my dearest friend. You know you have a special friendship when after three hours of talking, you feel a little panic when you turn onto her street because there is no way to fit all the conversations you have left into the two minutes before you arrive.

4. Came home to find that the newish baby-sitter had been fantastic with Luci. Not only that, but we enjoyed a few moments to converse and discovered we have all sorts of things in common.

5. Went out to run some errands and found my husband running the same errands after work. So fun to meet up unexpectedly and finish our errands together.

6. Worked in the garden just a bit - caging the tomato plants, snipping the arugula blooms, putting up a trellis for the cucumbers, and inspecting the new damage done by a critter who keeps eating my spinach and romaine plants, and which today also took one little bite out of a beautiful red strawberry, a leaf off a broccoli plant, and a few stalks from a cucumber plant. Apparently this critter wanted to try just a little of everything. Planted the Star of Persia (I hope it takes!). Getting excited about tomatoes, broccoli, and squash starting to grow.

7. Enjoyed the last of a set of homemade meals a family from church had given us last Sunday - leftovers from a party we could not attend the day before. They tried to think of who would appreciate it most and thought of us - which really touched us since I had been working so much last week we hadn't had time to go grocery shopping for this week yet.

8. Spent the later evening at home playing with Luciana and relaxing. (And had time to write on my blog!) Looking forward to vanilla ice cream with bananas and peanut butter later!

Nothing overwhelmingly special happened. And there were lots of less-than-ideal moments: We had to deal with construction traffic. I couldn't find exactly what I was looking for on my errands. I had to pay a baby-sitter for five hours during which I earned no money. I took stock of my rain-beaten perennials and realized the damage was worse than I had realized. But those things were just little drops in a bucket of contentment.

I have been thinking a lot lately about the pace of my life for the past several years and how very often on days like today I am just racing through trying to get to the end of it so I can do the same thing the next day. I often feel breathless (and perhaps bitter?) keeping up with myself. Maybe it was just the pleasant circumstances of the day, the company, or the beautiful weather that made it different, or maybe it was my attitude. Because even though I was fairly busy today, I feel rested, rejuvenated, and reminded of how great it is to enjoy the process of living.

It's a good feeling. It was a great day.

Rolling, rolling, rolling... part 2

It was bound to happen.

This morning, after making sure all her needs were met and that she was happy, we laid Luciana on her playmat, then each went about our morning duties. A few moments later, Roman comes to me and asks - did you leave her on her tummy?

Uh-oh. I did not.

Just a few days after rolling tummy to back, she figured out how to go back to tummy. I don't know why she wants to since she doesn't really enjoy being on her tummy all that much. She's having a little trouble negotiating the arm that gets stuck underneath her, and she can only perform each roll in one direction so she gets stuck. And really, she hasn't figured out that she can roll both ways so she often just stay on her tummy, pushing up on her arms, complaining. She must have done it seven, make that eight, times today.

It was certainly inevitable. I was just hoping for a few more weeks of relative immobility!

Oh Luci, why do you have to grow up so quickly?

From Wednesday, tummy to back:

From this morning, back to tummy:

Rolling, rolling, rolling

Since I'm not keeping a baby book, I thought I better document this here before I forget it - like I did with her first smile, first bath, first giggle, first everything until now...

On a whim I put Luciana on her tummy this evening. She had been playing with her dangling toys on her playmat and seemed in good spirits, so I thought we'd give it a whirl. She doesn't always like it but she will usually tolerate it. (Her papi apparently does it several times a day when he's with her, but I only do it perhaps once a week when I think of it - hoping that all the snuggling and babywearing really does count for tummy time like they say it does.)

She was showing off her baby plank pose and I was lying down next to her on the floor. We were admiring how long and how high she was holding herself up, more than we'd seen before. Next thing I knew she had pushed herself right over and was lying on her back grinning at me. Her eyes were wide and she seemed surprised at what she had accomplished. She and I were both delighted so I promptly rolled her back over to her tummy to watch her do it again. I was hoping to be able to show her daddy but she rolled over before he could even turn back to see it (he had turned his back at the wrong time and only partially seen the first one). She was very pleased with herself! Then I realized that I should have videod it that second time, so I picked up my camera, put her on her tummy and started the video, hoping she'd have one more roll in her. Two or three minutes later she had completely given up on even holding up her head and was pretty unhappy that I wasn't holding her to celebrate her accomplishment. Oh well, maybe tomorrow I'll catch it on film.

I was very surprised she rolled over since she hasn't even tried to do so before that I could see. Sometimes she looks like she is trying to roll from her back to her tummy, but she only gets up to her side and then gets frustrated. Or falls asleep. Or finds her hand and lies there on her side sucking on it. I haven't been looking forward to the rolling stage because I like being able to put her down someplace and know she won't be doing much moving. Maybe she can delay her back to tummy roll though so I can enjoy this stage a bit longer! I'd selfishly like to put off mobility as long as possible. ;)

She was so tuckered out afterwards that she went to bed a whole hour earlier than normal.

"She's so gentle."

I can't stop thinking about this thing that happened last night.

It is hot around here these days. Luci and I arrived home yesterday from an evening walking around the mall to an apartment that was 85 degrees. I, thinking I would be such a good mom, decided to give her a cool bath to give her some relief from the weather (the mall had not been as cool as I hoped it would be). I put her in her little bathtub and started filling it with water that felt refreshing to my arm. She was not as pleased as I hoped she would be, and as I continued to fill it with cool water, she became increasingly upset. I started filling the regular tub with warm water and moved her into the other part of the tub.

By the time I realized she was definitely not appreciating the cool water and could get her into the warmer water, she was pretty upset. Ok, she was absolutely screaming and writhing around. I spoke to her soothingly as I eased her into the warm water. As soon as she was there, she stopped crying, looked right at me, and beamed her wonderful smile at me. I couldn't believe how quickly she could turn from telling me about her immense displeasure with the situation to seemingly forgetting that the horrible moment had ever happened. Her forgiveness was immediate and complete. We finished up her bath with peace and contentment and I think she did feel refreshed after all having been in the water.

In the hospital when Luci was born, a nurse who was watching us as we got set up for a feeding made a simple comment: "She's so gentle." She probably thought nothing of it, but it struck me in that moment how true it was. Maybe it was normal for a two day old baby to be gentle, or maybe not, but this rang true in my heart. Gentleness is something I struggle with so much in my life. For years I have prayed for a gentle spirit. It made my heart so hopeful that she might be gifted with one from birth. She has continued in this gentleness since those early days. And not just in gentleness, but in patience. It is strange to describe a baby as patient, but there have been many times I knew she was ready to eat but she calmly and gently waited until I was ready to feed her. I now actually have to be careful not to take advantage of her patience - just because she will wait does not mean I should make her wait!

Today it was still 85 degrees in our house, so I decided to take a cool bath. After several moments in there, I realized I was actually suffering and not at all happy, and that what I really wanted was warm water. I remembered Luciana last night and thought how I was just like her.

Maybe she is also teaching me patience and gentleness.

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, 

the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, 

which is of great worth in God's sight.

1 Peter 3:3-4 (NIV)

Luciana: Four months

I had been a little nervous about this month. The famed fourth trimester was over and maybe we had to start thinking about being more careful with how we treated Luciana, now no longer a newborn. However, it seemed most of the things that could have been troublesome she had already taken care of for us. She already had started putting herself to a nap in her chair instead of in my arms and her interest in the world kept her from snuggling with me all day long. Once we got there, I felt I didn't actually have to worry.

On her four month well-baby check-up on May 9, she weighed 10 pounds and 12 ounces, was 22.5 inches tall/long, and her head was 15.5 inches around. Precisely double her birth weight! Part of the reason I like my pediatrician so much is that he doesn't talk a lot about percentiles. Moms do enough comparing and worrying about their babies - I don't want that to be encouraged in me; I prefer to let Luciana be Luciana. She is growing well and eating well, and even getting a bit of chunk on her!

At her appointment she was very alert and her usual social self, and the doctor was very pleased with her interactions. She showed off her awesome EC skills and peed in the sink on cue before getting naked to be weighed on the scale. The doctor teased her about being so social he needed to do some six-month tests and that with her potty skills she must think she's two years old!

The most exciting thing that happened this month was that she started sleeping one 4-6 hour stretch every night, and sometimes two long stretches. It's amazing how much better a night is when you get to sleep a long stretch - I had forgotten what that was like!

She sucks on her hands a lot, sometimes so hard that she gags herself. She also stares at them so intently her eyes cross.

She still loves to stand whenever possible. Her daddy can get an adorable giggle and laugh out of her, and they continue to enjoy interactive conversations. She and I spend a lot of time singing, which every once in a while she will initiate. She now notices her hanging toys and sometimes reaches for them.

She loves smiling at herself in the mirror. Her adorable little smile is no longer a full-head experience, but it still involves her tongue, which is so cute. She is starting to put everything in her mouth that she can and we often find her with her tongue out.

She can't roll over yet but she often rolls to her side and then gets frustrated. When she is sleepy, her eyes still get red, but now she knows how to rub them.

This was not a super-happy month, especially for the first few weeks as she went through a growth spurt. Lots of fussing, relatively speaking. On the other hand, she has become very interested in her environment and spends lots of time looking around.

I still wear her all wrapped up which we both enjoy. She's starting to get a little too big to wear at church - when I sit at the piano the microphone is right where her head is!

We are getting used to our new patterns around here, and I personally am starting to feel back to some kind of normal - something I realize I haven't really felt since before I was pregnant. I finished up an incomplete at school, and have played several gigs. We've gone to the beach a few times and planted our garden.

Overall, it's more or less back to normal life around here, we just have another little person with whom to enjoy it.

Friendly Competition

Last week I played an orchestra cycle with a symphony where I am principal 2nd violin. I've been in this position for the past year and subbed into this position several times before that. I've played with the conductor for many years and have played countless gigs with the concertmaster and other principal string players. It is a situation where I normally feel confident, at-ease, and happy.

This past week, I had a new stand partner and a new person sitting to my right as assistant concertmaster. I happened to have heard both these two new violinists' auditions and so I knew they were both fabulous and confident players. As we played through the first rehearsal, there was a weird dynamic as the four of us tried to figure out how to play together: we struggled a bit with keeping the same tempo and phrasing, with different people each asserting their own ideas about the music. I was intimidated and thus held back, second guessing myself and deferring to my stand partner, assuming that she was right with her interpretation of the conductor's beat (even though she was new) and with her entrances (even though she was also essentially sight-reading).

I should be clear that both these ladies are lovely and no one was trying to create a power struggle. It is also possible I was the only one who felt the push and pull. Nevertheless, that first rehearsal was a bit confusing for me and made me feel insecure.

I thought back to a moment several years ago where I was sitting concertmaster for an orchestra cycle at my undergraduate school, and I knew there were several capable players behind me. I wilted a bit and my lack of confidence became apparent. My teacher approached me and said, there is a reason we placed you concertmaster and it is not because you go to this school. She instilled confidence in me so that I would act like the leader she was expecting me to be.

I thought about that comment a lot last week during rehearsals, remembering that this conductor had also hand-selected me for the position I was in. I gradually found it easier to trust myself and to provide leadership. As I did so, and as we all learned to trust one another, that power struggle disappeared and we started playing together beautifully.

As I was driving to a gig last Saturday morning, I was listening to Boston Public Radio's Innovation Hub and their program on competition. There was a quote that grabbed my attention and helped everything click into place:

"Women assume on average that their opponents are as good as or better than them."

As a musician, it can unfortunately be easy to fall into looking at each of your colleagues as a sort of friendly opponent. After all, we see one another at auditions and in a way compete against one another for that one open chair. It is important in these situations to feel confident so that you can do your best. I, however, definitely fall into that trap of thinking probably everyone at the audition is better than I am and so I should just go home and not even bother.

The profession is one that continuously pits us against one another but then expects us to make great art together. We are ranked in chairs according to our audition five years ago, or the conductor's perception of us from the podium, or the concertmaster's whim, or some other bizarre combination of elements that we might never understand. In some of the orchestras I play in, I'm never certain if I'll be in the front or the back of the section, if where I am seated means anything or is just random, or what it means when subs are slotted in ahead of me as a contracted player. I try not to let it bother me, but it is there. At the same time, we must play together as a team, united with the common goal of making great music and moving our audiences. And generally, these people become our friends and we enjoy working and playing together.

Last week was a really important reminder. Yes, those other two violinists are very good. That does not mean however that I am by default very bad. There is room for lots of excellence in the world. Let me continue to strive for my own.

(My conclusion made me remember my friend Sarah's post about jealousy, which is very good and much more eloquent.)

A baby loves her mama

Last Saturday evening I was holding Luciana after a concert. I had fed her and I was enjoying some snuggly time. She was getting very sleepy but I continued to hold her in the crook of my arm and stare at her. She is so lovely to stare at, you see. And when she locks eyes with you, it's very hard to turn away.

I noticed her little eyes get a little red like they do when she is tired, just like her daddy. And they got a little droopy. But as they got droopier and droopier, the sweetest thing happened.

From her half-closed eyes, she smiled at me. I smiled back at her. Her eyes softly closed, but she opened them halfway just to look at me. She smiled again. I smiled at her. Her eyes fluttered, then she opened them a quarter of the way, stared up at me, and smiled again.

She repeated this until she succumbed to her sweet sleep with a smile on her face and I sat with tears streaming down my cheeks looking at this precious little baby. She wanted to sleep, but she equally wanted to look at me. She had no energy left in her body to even hold open her eyes, but she mustered up the little she needed to smile at me over and over again as she drifted away.

I felt like she loved me. Imagine feeling that from an infant. And it made me feel like I've done some things right by her.

What a sweet memory.

[I thought I better write it down for when she's 14 and telling me she hates me.]

Luciana: 3 months!

Luciana turned three months old last Tuesday. My goodness, the time does fly.

A review of her third month and some 3 month pictures:

Three months was a happy month for Luci! She spent most of her awake moments smiling and interacting with people around her, much to the delight of her mama. She would flash a grin at strangers in the grocery store, greet us with smiles after naps and absences, and beam at us whenever we got close enough for her to recognize us. She loves to have long and intelligent conversations with Papi, practicing all sorts of vowels and intonations. It is amazing how long you will sit and wait for a smile from a baby!

Luci smiling at Papi!

She likes to suck on her hands. I don't love this! I'm hoping it's a phase of exploration, especially since she doesn't do it when she's falling asleep. (She also is very selective about when and which pacifier she will take!)

Another new accomplishment was that she started being able to fall asleep on her own without being held. During the day when she was happy I'd put her in her favorite chair. She'd coo and smile for a while, she'd look around for a bit, and the next thing I knew she'd be asleep. It happened completely by accident for the first few days but then I started trying to put her down at just the right time to let her nap. 

Nighttimes continued to be challenging as she would not sleep in her own bed and woke every 1-2 hours to eat. Saddest of all, she no longer enjoys sleeping all snuggled on my chest. 

She is growing well. We estimate she was around 9.5 pounds at 3 months. She looks so big to us even though she is still the size of some newborns! It is already hard to conceive that she used to be so tiny that our hands were wider than her back and that she could fit in those precious teeny preemie clothes. She is making a long transition from newborn clothes (mostly too small) to 0-3 month clothes (mostly too big) and still wears newborn diapers. Here's a fun comparison!

February 5 vs April 1

She is pretty good at communicating and we can often understand the following:

I would like to eat soon please.

FEED ME NOW!

I'm kind of sleepy and I think I might take a nap all by myself. 

I am very tired and need help falling asleep.

Please take me to the potty.

No, thank you, I do not want to use the potty right now!

Hmm, I'm uncomfortable.

Something is really hurting me!

How come no one is paying attention to me right now?

Why did you put me down? You've totally ruined my day.

We know best that she is hungry because she does the "woodpecker" against your neck and chest (a month ago she would just start sucking on your neck) and occasionally throws her whole body in the general direction of where she perceives there might be milk. When she is really tired her eyes get all red and puffy. She doesn't like having a blanket on her and always kicks it off. (She has hated being swaddled for a while now - we gave that up way back at week 3.) She loves to stand (supported) and has strong legs! 

She's stayed with three baby-sitters so far and had plenty of evenings home with Daddy while I'm off playing with orchestras. We still spend lots of days at home just the two of us, at least two a week.

When Luciana was born, I didn't necessarily have that instantaneous love and deep connection that some people feel. I was smitten with her and couldn't stop looking at her and discovering new things about her. But it felt awkward and not genuine somehow to say that I loved her. Someone asked me a few weeks after she born if I was head over heels in love with her and I said I'm not sure. And the individual continued, well, does it hurt your heart to leave her? No, it didn't. It still doesn't. But I'm awfully glad to come home to her when I'm gone. 

Somewhere along the way though I came to truly adore and cherish and love this beautiful little creation. One day this month I heard myself tell her that I loved her and it no longer felt strange. And every day love goes deeper and hurts your heart more in its purity and beauty. (Is this really how God loves me? Amazing.) I can't believe she came from me. She is a gift.

The saddest thing that has happened is that somehow I lost all the pictures and videos from my phone from when Luci was born until today. I'm not sure what I did but it is tragic*. I'll just have to stare at her extra long. And post more pictures for you later from Roman's phone!

[Preview for four months: Definitely not as happy as three months. What's with the fussy baby? However, she has a great new accomplishment. Here's a hint: it starts with s and ends with leep!]



*I wrote this post before hearing about the explosions at the Boston marathon happening at about the same time. Losing hundreds of pictures and videos seems so trivial compared to the true tragedies of life. I love my city.