Part One: Last Night
It was a rough night, at least in the sense that I didn't get much sleep. My sweet little baby was reportedly a bit grumpy most of the day yesterday and took extra long naps. When I got home from work, she was sleeping. She woke up at 5:30 for about an hour and a half, then went back to sleep around 7. I almost thought/prayed/hoped it was a night-time sleep that would last extra extra long, because any other solution meant less sleep for Mama. (Selfless, I know.) She normally takes a short nap in the evening and then wants to go to bed around 11 or midnight so I knew something was off.
Well my beautiful girl woke up at 10pm. She was up for an hour, but was clearly very tired, so I decided to put her to bed. Swaddle, song, good night, lights out. We check on her for the next hour because she is occasionally singing, talking, fussing, and otherwise indicating that she is not asleep. All with her sleep cues in full force: droopy eyes, rubbing eyes, tired cry.
At close to midnight I check on her. It's been quiet for quite some time so I'm pretty sure she's asleep. No. She is completely broken out of the swaddle, on all fours, staring up at me as I enter the room. So I try again. Swaddle, song, another song, 30 minutes of singing with my hand on her hands inside the swaddle, keeping her still and calm. Usually this is a surefire way to get her to sleep. Not last night. She seems to become more and more awake. I'm ready to go to bed but I can see she is clearly not ready for sleeping. I turn up the light, set her free, and sit down on my bed next to her, and Papi came to join us. We were sitting around and chatting, and watching her play around in her co-sleeper. Next thing we know, she is crawling out of her bed into ours so she can come be closer to us.
Uh oh. Trouble. (Time for a new sleep solution!)
So she crawls around on our bed for a long while before I decide we are going to bed and she can play if she wants to, but I am not. Lights out and good night Luci. An hour or so later she finally falls asleep at my side and so do I. She wakes up a few hours later and I put her in her own bed. We both sleep peacefully well into the morning.
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| A few days ago, after her nap. Warning! Danger! Mobile baby! |
Part Two: This Morning
This morning I was commiserating with a friend about our tricky nights and how it is so hard to know whether you are doing the right thing or not. We are so full of doubt, new parents, aren't we? Every thing that we do is seemingly shaping this little life and there are so many ways to go wrong. For example, sometimes I wonder if I am ruining Luciana's sleep schedule for the rest of her life by not putting her to bed in the early evening like most parents. I wonder if I am setting her up for a life of insomnia and if when she's 34 she'll have trouble falling asleep before 2am like I do. Even though my doctor assures me I am not and continues to encourage me to do whatever works best with my schedule and gets me the most sleep, I still think about it.
But really, deep down, we do know what to do. You listen to your baby and she tells you, and maybe it takes a little extra time because she can't articulate herself very well, but you keep listening and you both figure it out. Not that you give in to every whim and desire, but you listen to the message you are receiving and you respond as best as you know how. And you're both experimenting really - the baby is saying, what will they understand if I straighten my legs after using the potty? Will they know what I need if I suck on their arm? You are figuring out how the little person is communicating, and they are learning how you will respond to what they tell you.
This was my philosophy with Luci as a newborn. You're hungry? It's time to eat. Sleepy? Let's take a nap. Need to comfort nurse? I'm here for you. I thought about how I get to make my own schedule, so why wouldn't I allow her to guide me for hers? It worked really well for us and it has felt natural and right to stick with it for now. So I wasn't upset last night when Luciana was awake at the wrong time. I didn't try to impose my own schedule on her. When it was clear she wasn't ready to sleep, I didn't force it. I considered how to help her make a better schedule, sure. I thought about what might have gone wrong to put her timing off. I definitely planned to do things differently today. But mostly I just sat there watching her crawl around, marveling at her and soaking it all in.
It makes me think about my mom and how she assured me that I'd know what to do as a mom without her. And I don't think she said this, but I heard it this morning in my heart: it's because the baby will tell you. She knows what she needs. She will tell you. Just listen to her.
Perhaps those of you who are seasoned parents are pitying me right now. Maybe you know that I am setting myself up for a horrible next six months. Maybe you worry I won't discipline my child enough. Maybe I myself will look back on this moment and regret everything. Maybe not.
For now, this is how we parent. We're listening, Luciana.
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