Kisses and Nosies

For the past several months, I've done two little games repeatedly with Luci, whenever she was in the mood:

Kisses: I kiss her cheek near her lips then turn my head to put my cheek on her lips.

Nosies: Eskimo kisses while singing my little "Nosies" chant.

A few days ago, I started having the suspicion she was trying to initiate these little love games, but I thought it might be in my head. Today I became convinced that it was real.

For kisses - she plants her mouth on my cheek and stays there motionless for several moments. I can tell this is different than "I'm hungry let me suck on anything I can find" - which she usually indicates these days by burying her head into my shoulder - because she doesn't (usually) try to latch on or start sucking on my cheek, she just puts her little mouth there and waits. And if I look at her and ask if she is doing kisses she gets a big smile on her face.

But it was Nosies that was really clear as a bell. She grabbed my face, pulled it to hers, and banged her forehead into mine as she frantically bumped my nose with her nose. She repeated it over and over again as I was with her sporadically throughout the day and it tickled my heart each time.

A mom in our church asked yesterday how old she was, and when I said she had just turned six months, she told me what a precious age 6-9 months is because they start giving back all that you've put into them. My first thought was "of course! she's been giving back to me her whole life!" Whether through nursing, or staring intently at my face, or those early smiles, or the looks of recognition, or the big smiles, or the fleeting reaches towards me when she is with someone else, I've felt our relationship grow and grow. I think with those early "giving" responses and reciprocation, it's easy to question whether they are from love or from reflex, on purpose or wishful thinking, by design or by accident. Even if I believe that smiles are smiles, or that what feels like a loving gesture is love, it's hard to ignore those voices that doubt a little baby is capable of that - that all smiles are gas and all cuteness is just a reflex. What was special about today, and maybe what this mom really meant, is that those doubting voices vanish. No one can argue that it didn't happen or that it was just a reflex or that she just has to go to the bathroom (argh, that one especially irritates me!). No other baby but mine will ever grab my face and bang her head against mine until our noses make contact. That's all just for us, and it's special.