Today Roman stayed home alone with Luciana for the second time while I went off to play a concert. I was gone for over five hours, much longer than the first time. They had a nice time together but for some of the time she was inconsolable. She's had some rough times lately and she barely slept the previous night, waking every hour on the hour like a stubborn little clock. When I arrived home, she was still a little fussy. I leaned over and greeted her. The very moment she heard my voice, she stopped crying and became calm.
Sometimes dealing with an infant is challenging and it is almost always cause for self-doubt: Am I doing the best for her and for me? Am I establishing good patterns? Will I later regret the choices I make today? Is this the right way to parent her? To love her?
Today she recognized my voice. It made a difference to her instantly. It made me wonder if she was aware enough to have missed me. If I had become important enough to her that her world seemed unfamiliar without me even if she couldn't understand what was wrong. And it made me feel like I've done something right. Something good for her. Somehow made her feel safe and loved. And even though I'm sorry she had a rough time while I was gone, I think I needed that moment.
We're learning to love each other, this girl and I.
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