Today is my mom's birthday. She would have been 70, but instead she is frozen in time, forever 65 as the rest of the world and I continue to age.
People may die, but grief does not. It comes at you in the most unexpected moments... Looking at your child and wishing for the 400th time that she could meet her. Driving down the road and flashing back to a fond memory. Remembering on mother's day to not remember to call her. Sitting down on a quiet afternoon and seeing her chair. Thoughts of her just bubble up, as do the tears, fresh as that crisp beautiful morning when I woke up motherless for the first time four years ago. Maybe the ache grows more dull with time. I can't tell yet. It's still there, cutting my heart when I am just going about my life, though perhaps less frequently with each passing year. But love doesn't die either, and impossibly seems to keep growing in the midst of loss.
My wise father suggested when she died to not mark that day; to choose another day to celebrate her life rather than to observe the day it slipped away. This was the first year I could allow that day to pass me by. Instead, today I spent a quiet day at home with my own girl, doing my best to follow my mother's example of kindness, patience, and gentle firmness.
Here's to you, Mom. Happy birthday.
Monday, June 23, 2014
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Day trip: Portland, ME
On Monday I received news that my weekly staff meeting ordinarily on Wednesdays would be cancelled. I noticed that Roman also had the day off, so I told him that if he planned it, we could take a day trip somewhere. He took me up on it and planned us a nice excursion!
So we got up semi-early, tended the garden and flower beds, and packed ourselves up for a trip to Portland. We started our day at the Crescent Beach State Park.
It was a pretty good beach day, cool in the shade and not scorching hot. Luciana had tried the water at Salisbury Beach two weeks ago with no success: too cold, guys! This beach had a nice little river over the sand so she could get used to the idea of sitting in the warm water. She enjoyed that and so I bundled her up in the wrap I bought for swimming and we went into the cooler ocean water. She enjoyed being in the wrap though the water was a bit too cold for her still, but once she got used to it she even fell asleep as we waded in water deep enough to cover her toes. She took a nice nap while we enjoyed the water a bit more, had lunch, and then rested on the beach blanket ourselves. She was a little celebrity on the beach, flashing her joyful smile at everyone and receiving compliments all day long.
Next we headed into Portland. We arrived around 4 and had two hours to walk around the Old Port, enjoying the little shops. Of special note was the Cabot cheese shop which had samples of all their cheeses: yum! We had a sampler plate dinner at Gilbert's Chowderhouse complete with locally made blueberry and summer ales at a little seafood place - shrimp cocktail, fried scallops, a lobster roll, and a cup of clam chowder - divine. After dinner we walked along a beautiful paved trail along the water until it got dark.
Luci rode along for the first time in the carrier I recently found on craigslist and seemed to enjoy it.
This girl really loves her Papi.
We finished out our evening eating some of the best ice cream I've ever had, from a little place called Curly Cones. She has a salted caramel fudge ripple flavor that is out of this world and the coconut almond bark is also exquisite. I earned it too: throughout the day, I established a new personal best of my pedometer-wearing life - not even counting the walk on the beach. I'm pretty proud of myself!
The trip home was a little rough. Luciana twice started crying to the point that we had to stop to console her. Maybe we stayed out too late, or the time in the sun got to her, or maybe that bump in her gum is a tooth coming. I eventually sat with her to keep her company and all was well.
It was a really fun family outing. Roman and I have always loved to travel together and we are happy we can share that with our girl now too.
So we got up semi-early, tended the garden and flower beds, and packed ourselves up for a trip to Portland. We started our day at the Crescent Beach State Park.
 |
| Beach bums. |
It was a pretty good beach day, cool in the shade and not scorching hot. Luciana had tried the water at Salisbury Beach two weeks ago with no success: too cold, guys! This beach had a nice little river over the sand so she could get used to the idea of sitting in the warm water. She enjoyed that and so I bundled her up in the wrap I bought for swimming and we went into the cooler ocean water. She enjoyed being in the wrap though the water was a bit too cold for her still, but once she got used to it she even fell asleep as we waded in water deep enough to cover her toes. She took a nice nap while we enjoyed the water a bit more, had lunch, and then rested on the beach blanket ourselves. She was a little celebrity on the beach, flashing her joyful smile at everyone and receiving compliments all day long.
Next we headed into Portland. We arrived around 4 and had two hours to walk around the Old Port, enjoying the little shops. Of special note was the Cabot cheese shop which had samples of all their cheeses: yum! We had a sampler plate dinner at Gilbert's Chowderhouse complete with locally made blueberry and summer ales at a little seafood place - shrimp cocktail, fried scallops, a lobster roll, and a cup of clam chowder - divine. After dinner we walked along a beautiful paved trail along the water until it got dark.
Luci rode along for the first time in the carrier I recently found on craigslist and seemed to enjoy it.
This girl really loves her Papi.
We finished out our evening eating some of the best ice cream I've ever had, from a little place called Curly Cones. She has a salted caramel fudge ripple flavor that is out of this world and the coconut almond bark is also exquisite. I earned it too: throughout the day, I established a new personal best of my pedometer-wearing life - not even counting the walk on the beach. I'm pretty proud of myself!
The trip home was a little rough. Luciana twice started crying to the point that we had to stop to console her. Maybe we stayed out too late, or the time in the sun got to her, or maybe that bump in her gum is a tooth coming. I eventually sat with her to keep her company and all was well.
It was a really fun family outing. Roman and I have always loved to travel together and we are happy we can share that with our girl now too.
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Crawling... almost
I'm ready to call it. I think Luci is crawling. What do you think?
She's been working on her crawl for the past six weeks. It's not quite perfect form yet, but it's pretty good.
Take a look:
It's taken a number of forms, and often requires lots of planks, downward dogs, and faceplants. Seems like she's eliminating those yoga moves and figuring out she doesn't need to be on her feet to crawl.
(I guess it's confusing to learn to crawl by watching a dog walk around.)
She really loves her blue elephant. I observed her take that little trip and thought, I wish I had videoed that. I moved her back, pointed out her toy, and she went right after it again!
Time to babyproof!?!
She's been working on her crawl for the past six weeks. It's not quite perfect form yet, but it's pretty good.
Take a look:
It's taken a number of forms, and often requires lots of planks, downward dogs, and faceplants. Seems like she's eliminating those yoga moves and figuring out she doesn't need to be on her feet to crawl.
(I guess it's confusing to learn to crawl by watching a dog walk around.)
She really loves her blue elephant. I observed her take that little trip and thought, I wish I had videoed that. I moved her back, pointed out her toy, and she went right after it again!
Time to babyproof!?!
Reflections of a six-month-old parent
I'm having a moment over here.
Part One: Last Night
It was a rough night, at least in the sense that I didn't get much sleep. My sweet little baby was reportedly a bit grumpy most of the day yesterday and took extra long naps. When I got home from work, she was sleeping. She woke up at 5:30 for about an hour and a half, then went back to sleep around 7. I almost thought/prayed/hoped it was a night-time sleep that would last extra extra long, because any other solution meant less sleep for Mama. (Selfless, I know.) She normally takes a short nap in the evening and then wants to go to bed around 11 or midnight so I knew something was off.
Well my beautiful girl woke up at 10pm. She was up for an hour, but was clearly very tired, so I decided to put her to bed. Swaddle, song, good night, lights out. We check on her for the next hour because she is occasionally singing, talking, fussing, and otherwise indicating that she is not asleep. All with her sleep cues in full force: droopy eyes, rubbing eyes, tired cry.
At close to midnight I check on her. It's been quiet for quite some time so I'm pretty sure she's asleep. No. She is completely broken out of the swaddle, on all fours, staring up at me as I enter the room. So I try again. Swaddle, song, another song, 30 minutes of singing with my hand on her hands inside the swaddle, keeping her still and calm. Usually this is a surefire way to get her to sleep. Not last night. She seems to become more and more awake. I'm ready to go to bed but I can see she is clearly not ready for sleeping. I turn up the light, set her free, and sit down on my bed next to her, and Papi came to join us. We were sitting around and chatting, and watching her play around in her co-sleeper. Next thing we know, she is crawling out of her bed into ours so she can come be closer to us.
Uh oh. Trouble. (Time for a new sleep solution!)
So she crawls around on our bed for a long while before I decide we are going to bed and she can play if she wants to, but I am not. Lights out and good night Luci. An hour or so later she finally falls asleep at my side and so do I. She wakes up a few hours later and I put her in her own bed. We both sleep peacefully well into the morning.
Part Two: This Morning
This morning I was commiserating with a friend about our tricky nights and how it is so hard to know whether you are doing the right thing or not. We are so full of doubt, new parents, aren't we? Every thing that we do is seemingly shaping this little life and there are so many ways to go wrong. For example, sometimes I wonder if I am ruining Luciana's sleep schedule for the rest of her life by not putting her to bed in the early evening like most parents. I wonder if I am setting her up for a life of insomnia and if when she's 34 she'll have trouble falling asleep before 2am like I do. Even though my doctor assures me I am not and continues to encourage me to do whatever works best with my schedule and gets me the most sleep, I still think about it.
But really, deep down, we do know what to do. You listen to your baby and she tells you, and maybe it takes a little extra time because she can't articulate herself very well, but you keep listening and you both figure it out. Not that you give in to every whim and desire, but you listen to the message you are receiving and you respond as best as you know how. And you're both experimenting really - the baby is saying, what will they understand if I straighten my legs after using the potty? Will they know what I need if I suck on their arm? You are figuring out how the little person is communicating, and they are learning how you will respond to what they tell you.
This was my philosophy with Luci as a newborn. You're hungry? It's time to eat. Sleepy? Let's take a nap. Need to comfort nurse? I'm here for you. I thought about how I get to make my own schedule, so why wouldn't I allow her to guide me for hers? It worked really well for us and it has felt natural and right to stick with it for now. So I wasn't upset last night when Luciana was awake at the wrong time. I didn't try to impose my own schedule on her. When it was clear she wasn't ready to sleep, I didn't force it. I considered how to help her make a better schedule, sure. I thought about what might have gone wrong to put her timing off. I definitely planned to do things differently today. But mostly I just sat there watching her crawl around, marveling at her and soaking it all in.
It makes me think about my mom and how she assured me that I'd know what to do as a mom without her. And I don't think she said this, but I heard it this morning in my heart: it's because the baby will tell you. She knows what she needs. She will tell you. Just listen to her.
Perhaps those of you who are seasoned parents are pitying me right now. Maybe you know that I am setting myself up for a horrible next six months. Maybe you worry I won't discipline my child enough. Maybe I myself will look back on this moment and regret everything. Maybe not.
For now, this is how we parent. We're listening, Luciana.
Part One: Last Night
It was a rough night, at least in the sense that I didn't get much sleep. My sweet little baby was reportedly a bit grumpy most of the day yesterday and took extra long naps. When I got home from work, she was sleeping. She woke up at 5:30 for about an hour and a half, then went back to sleep around 7. I almost thought/prayed/hoped it was a night-time sleep that would last extra extra long, because any other solution meant less sleep for Mama. (Selfless, I know.) She normally takes a short nap in the evening and then wants to go to bed around 11 or midnight so I knew something was off.
Well my beautiful girl woke up at 10pm. She was up for an hour, but was clearly very tired, so I decided to put her to bed. Swaddle, song, good night, lights out. We check on her for the next hour because she is occasionally singing, talking, fussing, and otherwise indicating that she is not asleep. All with her sleep cues in full force: droopy eyes, rubbing eyes, tired cry.
At close to midnight I check on her. It's been quiet for quite some time so I'm pretty sure she's asleep. No. She is completely broken out of the swaddle, on all fours, staring up at me as I enter the room. So I try again. Swaddle, song, another song, 30 minutes of singing with my hand on her hands inside the swaddle, keeping her still and calm. Usually this is a surefire way to get her to sleep. Not last night. She seems to become more and more awake. I'm ready to go to bed but I can see she is clearly not ready for sleeping. I turn up the light, set her free, and sit down on my bed next to her, and Papi came to join us. We were sitting around and chatting, and watching her play around in her co-sleeper. Next thing we know, she is crawling out of her bed into ours so she can come be closer to us.
Uh oh. Trouble. (Time for a new sleep solution!)
So she crawls around on our bed for a long while before I decide we are going to bed and she can play if she wants to, but I am not. Lights out and good night Luci. An hour or so later she finally falls asleep at my side and so do I. She wakes up a few hours later and I put her in her own bed. We both sleep peacefully well into the morning.
 |
| A few days ago, after her nap. Warning! Danger! Mobile baby! |
Part Two: This Morning
This morning I was commiserating with a friend about our tricky nights and how it is so hard to know whether you are doing the right thing or not. We are so full of doubt, new parents, aren't we? Every thing that we do is seemingly shaping this little life and there are so many ways to go wrong. For example, sometimes I wonder if I am ruining Luciana's sleep schedule for the rest of her life by not putting her to bed in the early evening like most parents. I wonder if I am setting her up for a life of insomnia and if when she's 34 she'll have trouble falling asleep before 2am like I do. Even though my doctor assures me I am not and continues to encourage me to do whatever works best with my schedule and gets me the most sleep, I still think about it.
But really, deep down, we do know what to do. You listen to your baby and she tells you, and maybe it takes a little extra time because she can't articulate herself very well, but you keep listening and you both figure it out. Not that you give in to every whim and desire, but you listen to the message you are receiving and you respond as best as you know how. And you're both experimenting really - the baby is saying, what will they understand if I straighten my legs after using the potty? Will they know what I need if I suck on their arm? You are figuring out how the little person is communicating, and they are learning how you will respond to what they tell you.
This was my philosophy with Luci as a newborn. You're hungry? It's time to eat. Sleepy? Let's take a nap. Need to comfort nurse? I'm here for you. I thought about how I get to make my own schedule, so why wouldn't I allow her to guide me for hers? It worked really well for us and it has felt natural and right to stick with it for now. So I wasn't upset last night when Luciana was awake at the wrong time. I didn't try to impose my own schedule on her. When it was clear she wasn't ready to sleep, I didn't force it. I considered how to help her make a better schedule, sure. I thought about what might have gone wrong to put her timing off. I definitely planned to do things differently today. But mostly I just sat there watching her crawl around, marveling at her and soaking it all in.
It makes me think about my mom and how she assured me that I'd know what to do as a mom without her. And I don't think she said this, but I heard it this morning in my heart: it's because the baby will tell you. She knows what she needs. She will tell you. Just listen to her.
Perhaps those of you who are seasoned parents are pitying me right now. Maybe you know that I am setting myself up for a horrible next six months. Maybe you worry I won't discipline my child enough. Maybe I myself will look back on this moment and regret everything. Maybe not.
For now, this is how we parent. We're listening, Luciana.
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Sitting up and taking notice!
This morning Luciana and I met up with our respective bffs to go to a few yard sales. We found a few cute outfits and then went over for naps (for babies) and breakfast (for grown-ups).
We were sitting around and chatting and all of a sudden this happened, with virtually no warning!
She was pretty wobbly, so the pics are blurry.
I was starting to think she'd crawl before she sat, so at least she snuck this little skill in there first. She also demonstrated her "crawl" today - which consists of getting up on all fours, moving her knees one at a time, then moving both her arms at the same time and face planting forward. (Mean ol' floor, coming up to hit her like that!)
Good job, baby!
(I think she got inspired watching all the big kids in the nursery at VBS this week.)
We were sitting around and chatting and all of a sudden this happened, with virtually no warning!
She was pretty wobbly, so the pics are blurry.
I was starting to think she'd crawl before she sat, so at least she snuck this little skill in there first. She also demonstrated her "crawl" today - which consists of getting up on all fours, moving her knees one at a time, then moving both her arms at the same time and face planting forward. (Mean ol' floor, coming up to hit her like that!)
Good job, baby!
(I think she got inspired watching all the big kids in the nursery at VBS this week.)
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Broccoli
 |
| Hey, give me some! |
 |
| Hmm... this is kind of weird... |
 |
| Let me think about it... |
 |
| Yes! I like it! |
Kisses and Nosies
For the past several months, I've done two little games repeatedly with Luci, whenever she was in the mood:
Kisses: I kiss her cheek near her lips then turn my head to put my cheek on her lips.
Nosies: Eskimo kisses while singing my little "Nosies" chant.
A few days ago, I started having the suspicion she was trying to initiate these little love games, but I thought it might be in my head. Today I became convinced that it was real.
For kisses - she plants her mouth on my cheek and stays there motionless for several moments. I can tell this is different than "I'm hungry let me suck on anything I can find" - which she usually indicates these days by burying her head into my shoulder - because she doesn't (usually) try to latch on or start sucking on my cheek, she just puts her little mouth there and waits. And if I look at her and ask if she is doing kisses she gets a big smile on her face.
But it was Nosies that was really clear as a bell. She grabbed my face, pulled it to hers, and banged her forehead into mine as she frantically bumped my nose with her nose. She repeated it over and over again as I was with her sporadically throughout the day and it tickled my heart each time.
A mom in our church asked yesterday how old she was, and when I said she had just turned six months, she told me what a precious age 6-9 months is because they start giving back all that you've put into them. My first thought was "of course! she's been giving back to me her whole life!" Whether through nursing, or staring intently at my face, or those early smiles, or the looks of recognition, or the big smiles, or the fleeting reaches towards me when she is with someone else, I've felt our relationship grow and grow. I think with those early "giving" responses and reciprocation, it's easy to question whether they are from love or from reflex, on purpose or wishful thinking, by design or by accident. Even if I believe that smiles are smiles, or that what feels like a loving gesture is love, it's hard to ignore those voices that doubt a little baby is capable of that - that all smiles are gas and all cuteness is just a reflex. What was special about today, and maybe what this mom really meant, is that those doubting voices vanish. No one can argue that it didn't happen or that it was just a reflex or that she just has to go to the bathroom (argh, that one especially irritates me!). No other baby but mine will ever grab my face and bang her head against mine until our noses make contact. That's all just for us, and it's special.
Kisses: I kiss her cheek near her lips then turn my head to put my cheek on her lips.
Nosies: Eskimo kisses while singing my little "Nosies" chant.
A few days ago, I started having the suspicion she was trying to initiate these little love games, but I thought it might be in my head. Today I became convinced that it was real.
For kisses - she plants her mouth on my cheek and stays there motionless for several moments. I can tell this is different than "I'm hungry let me suck on anything I can find" - which she usually indicates these days by burying her head into my shoulder - because she doesn't (usually) try to latch on or start sucking on my cheek, she just puts her little mouth there and waits. And if I look at her and ask if she is doing kisses she gets a big smile on her face.
But it was Nosies that was really clear as a bell. She grabbed my face, pulled it to hers, and banged her forehead into mine as she frantically bumped my nose with her nose. She repeated it over and over again as I was with her sporadically throughout the day and it tickled my heart each time.
A mom in our church asked yesterday how old she was, and when I said she had just turned six months, she told me what a precious age 6-9 months is because they start giving back all that you've put into them. My first thought was "of course! she's been giving back to me her whole life!" Whether through nursing, or staring intently at my face, or those early smiles, or the looks of recognition, or the big smiles, or the fleeting reaches towards me when she is with someone else, I've felt our relationship grow and grow. I think with those early "giving" responses and reciprocation, it's easy to question whether they are from love or from reflex, on purpose or wishful thinking, by design or by accident. Even if I believe that smiles are smiles, or that what feels like a loving gesture is love, it's hard to ignore those voices that doubt a little baby is capable of that - that all smiles are gas and all cuteness is just a reflex. What was special about today, and maybe what this mom really meant, is that those doubting voices vanish. No one can argue that it didn't happen or that it was just a reflex or that she just has to go to the bathroom (argh, that one especially irritates me!). No other baby but mine will ever grab my face and bang her head against mine until our noses make contact. That's all just for us, and it's special.
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