Roman and I have played our fair share of weddings together. We almost always enjoy it even though we are celebrating with strangers, and we can usually find some encouragement, conviction, and renewal in the witnessing of someone else's wedding. In the stress of it, we have also had some of our most childish fights on the way to the gig. One of them (many many years ago, of course) may or may not have ended with me throwing my sandwich at Roman and staining his tux with mustard. Not my finest moment.
Last night I happened to stay at work until around 1am, then I suffered from my usual lie-in-bed-for-two-hours-before-sleeping routine. When my alarm went off at 7:45, I wasn't too eager to obey it. But today's wedding was special. Not only did we have the honor of playing for the wedding of a friend from undergrad and various gigs, we were returning to the place we honeymooned. We were looking forward to going early, spending some time walking around the downtown area, visiting some shops, and having a nice lunch before heading to the wedding venue for our rehearsal.
Well... that was a great plan. Trouble was, after feeding the baby, finding something to wear (which can be its own struggle as we all know! I was searching my closet for something black and clean that fits well enough and wasn't too "concert" dress but not too casual, not too warm, and also conducive to nursing - I was completely dissatisfied with the only option I could seem to find!), dressing up the baby (is this dress dressy enough?), packing the diaper bag (what if she has a crazy day and needs 57 diapers?), blow drying my hair so at least one part of me could look decent (a complete waste of time due to the rain and humidity of the wedding venue), having breakfast, feeding the baby again... let's just say we didn't quite leave as early as we wanted to.
Did I mention I was tired? We may or may not have argued off and on during the 2.5 hour drive there. Mostly probably because I've been overworking this week and feeling pretty stressed. We also had some good conversation too, don't worry.Then once we arrived, it was rainy and the main street was crowded with cars. We spent a dreary half hour trying to decide where to have lunch, and finally settled on a place where we could have some clam chowder and scallops. It was lovely being back in Chatham though and lunch and the familiar scenery boosted my spirits.
The wedding was lovely and two of our good friends held the baby during our rehearsal and the ceremony itself so we didn't have to worry about Luciana. And as expected, even though we didn't agree with the theology of marriage presented in the wedding, the message still inspired us (me) to do better, convicted us (me) of my shortcomings, and reminded us of the importance of and joy in working on our marriage. The preacher talked about marriage being a device to show you your worst, and I heartily agreed! I think it can also show you your best, if you allow it.
It was really nice to make the switch from "gig" to "guest" - something we don't often get to do. The reception was fun and it was great to hang out with friends. Luciana took a nap just when it was time for dinner, which was excellent timing! We all three spent some time on the dance floor. I did not take a single picture, so you'll just have to believe me that Luci was plenty cute at her first wedding and on her first day wearing 3-6 month clothes.
The most fun part of the evening came when we were resting after dancing. Luci has been increasingly interested for the past few weeks in everything that I put in my mouth, and most especially my water glass. If she's eating and I drink water, she will stop and watch me intently until I'm done. Today as I was drinking with her on my lap, she grabbed the glass and pulled it to her mouth. I let her feel the cold and smooth side of the glass on her mouth. I drank again and this time she grabbed the glass with both hands and pulled the lip of it to her mouth and tried to lift it. I helped her get the water and she was very enthusiastic. The next time I tried to drink she wrested the glass and spilled it all over me! We've been waiting to start solid food until she shows her own interest, so this was just the sort of thing we were hoping for. When I would take the glass away from her she would start to cry a little in protest. It's fun to see her learn to communicate her desires.
When we got home I was about done feeding her and drinking my usual glass of water. She grabbed for my glass, so I cheerfully sat her up and let her have another little drink.
I've been thinking over these past few months about this journey of motherhood and how to make it my own. I've tried to be careful to let Luciana be who she is and how she is in every stage, and to just enjoy her in that moment. In life, in music, in everything, I struggle to not just race from task to task, note to note, finish to finish. It is hard for me to slow down my brain, enjoy the process, and savor each beautiful or difficult moment. I made a decision when she was born to let her teach me. Every day, every stage, every mood is beautiful because it is hers. And I enjoy it.
Have another sip of water, Luci. You're growing up so beautifully. I hope I am too.
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Luciana: 5 months
Luciana turned five months old on June 9 (also my big brother's birthday!).
She weighed 12 pounds! She's getting big! She's big and sturdy enough now too that we can hold her flying and her daddy can engage in rough play and make Mama worried.
Most parents stop swaddling their babies around this time in order to prepare for the rolling stage. Not us. All of a sudden she started wanting to sleep in her bed at night, but couldn't seem to get comfortable for more than a few moments before hitting herself in the face. So we started swaddling her. She started sleeping 7-9 hours every other night, and after a few weeks, slept through the night nearly every night (Hallelujah!), with a brief regression when she finally figured out rolling. It came as such a surprise! I wasn't expecting it to happen for a long time. I am still very grateful for it. She even takes her naps in bed and more or less settled into a napping schedule - one late morning, one late afternoon, and a short one in the evening to carry her through until her bedtime. She started out falling asleep around midnight or so, but has slowly been working her way backwards to a 10-11pm bedtime.
Her absolute favorite activity is gnawing on our fingers or on her own fist. She loves especially to gum on them where her molars will be. This causes tons of drool.
She is so much more interested in the world now. When she is eating, she is easily distracted by things going on around her. Once Roman was talking to me when I was feeding her, and I spoke back with a loud tone after being quiet for a long time. She pulled away, surprised and then, I swear it, gave me a dirty look for interrupting her. Most of the time she stops eating just to smile at me and look around.
She really enjoys her playmat and we are starting to experiment with the jumperoo, though she's a bit too small. She much prefers this to her two chairs, one of which we had to retire since she refused to sit in it anymore. No big surprise, since she always wants to be standing. Her absolute favorite toy is a flat blue elephant with crinkly paper in it. She's getting good at controlling her hands and putting things in her mouth. She can hold her own bottle. She reaches up and holds onto my face sometimes when we're looking at each other - it's very sweet. We've noticed this month in general that her hands are mostly open instead of mostly in fists and she is losing her cross-eyed focus. She reaches for her toes but doesn't really seem to know they are hers yet.
I do still wear in her my stretchy wrap, but it's getting a little too warm for it. It's impossible to wear her now at church now while I play with the band but we nearly always can find a willing volunteer to hold her for a few moments.
I usually assume that she is probably delayed in her development - maybe because she is so small (still in 0-3 month clothes), or maybe to compensate for my fear of having unreasonable expectations of her. I happened to see a checklist of five-month milestones and was surprised to see that she had hit them all, including recognizing her name, which I hadn't even noticed had happened. (It probably helps that I sing her name to her all day long.)
When she turned four months old, I also went back to work at Gordon, my 20-hour office job. This means I now have a base of 40 hours of work plus my free-lancing each week. It felt great to get back to work on the one hand, but it is tricky to figure out the new patterns. I also never really wanted my two part-time jobs to equal a full-time job, so that is something I now need to figure out. Roman is mostly working evenings these days, though, so we don't have to get a baby-sitter terribly often. They love going grocery shopping together - she gets lots of attention from all the people there and usually gets really excited.
Sometimes I wonder if she will love me less than other babies love their mamas since I'm away from her for long stretches, and love her papi more, but I realize that is silly and irrational. Her love is deep and innocent and true, and there's certainly plenty to go around, and I think it is very special that they have this time together.
In general, a very happy month.
We love you, Luciana.
She weighed 12 pounds! She's getting big! She's big and sturdy enough now too that we can hold her flying and her daddy can engage in rough play and make Mama worried.
Most parents stop swaddling their babies around this time in order to prepare for the rolling stage. Not us. All of a sudden she started wanting to sleep in her bed at night, but couldn't seem to get comfortable for more than a few moments before hitting herself in the face. So we started swaddling her. She started sleeping 7-9 hours every other night, and after a few weeks, slept through the night nearly every night (Hallelujah!), with a brief regression when she finally figured out rolling. It came as such a surprise! I wasn't expecting it to happen for a long time. I am still very grateful for it. She even takes her naps in bed and more or less settled into a napping schedule - one late morning, one late afternoon, and a short one in the evening to carry her through until her bedtime. She started out falling asleep around midnight or so, but has slowly been working her way backwards to a 10-11pm bedtime.
 |
| Napping at my church office |
She is so much more interested in the world now. When she is eating, she is easily distracted by things going on around her. Once Roman was talking to me when I was feeding her, and I spoke back with a loud tone after being quiet for a long time. She pulled away, surprised and then, I swear it, gave me a dirty look for interrupting her. Most of the time she stops eating just to smile at me and look around.
She really enjoys her playmat and we are starting to experiment with the jumperoo, though she's a bit too small. She much prefers this to her two chairs, one of which we had to retire since she refused to sit in it anymore. No big surprise, since she always wants to be standing. Her absolute favorite toy is a flat blue elephant with crinkly paper in it. She's getting good at controlling her hands and putting things in her mouth. She can hold her own bottle. She reaches up and holds onto my face sometimes when we're looking at each other - it's very sweet. We've noticed this month in general that her hands are mostly open instead of mostly in fists and she is losing her cross-eyed focus. She reaches for her toes but doesn't really seem to know they are hers yet.
I do still wear in her my stretchy wrap, but it's getting a little too warm for it. It's impossible to wear her now at church now while I play with the band but we nearly always can find a willing volunteer to hold her for a few moments.
I usually assume that she is probably delayed in her development - maybe because she is so small (still in 0-3 month clothes), or maybe to compensate for my fear of having unreasonable expectations of her. I happened to see a checklist of five-month milestones and was surprised to see that she had hit them all, including recognizing her name, which I hadn't even noticed had happened. (It probably helps that I sing her name to her all day long.)
When she turned four months old, I also went back to work at Gordon, my 20-hour office job. This means I now have a base of 40 hours of work plus my free-lancing each week. It felt great to get back to work on the one hand, but it is tricky to figure out the new patterns. I also never really wanted my two part-time jobs to equal a full-time job, so that is something I now need to figure out. Roman is mostly working evenings these days, though, so we don't have to get a baby-sitter terribly often. They love going grocery shopping together - she gets lots of attention from all the people there and usually gets really excited.
 |
| Visiting me at work! |
 |
| At Papi's Graduation! |
We love you, Luciana.
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Oh happy day
It was a day full of many beautiful little things that combined for an overall really great day.
1. I woke up refreshed and happy. So did the baby.
2. I played a lovely volunteer fund-raiser for my favorite orchestra. I got to sight-read trios with two wonderful people while people walked around enjoying the lavish home gardens at which we were playing. No pay, but we did walk away with cuttings of a Star of Persia plant. So pretty!
3. Enjoyed the commute for the gig with my dearest friend. You know you have a special friendship when after three hours of talking, you feel a little panic when you turn onto her street because there is no way to fit all the conversations you have left into the two minutes before you arrive.
4. Came home to find that the newish baby-sitter had been fantastic with Luci. Not only that, but we enjoyed a few moments to converse and discovered we have all sorts of things in common.
5. Went out to run some errands and found my husband running the same errands after work. So fun to meet up unexpectedly and finish our errands together.
6. Worked in the garden just a bit - caging the tomato plants, snipping the arugula blooms, putting up a trellis for the cucumbers, and inspecting the new damage done by a critter who keeps eating my spinach and romaine plants, and which today also took one little bite out of a beautiful red strawberry, a leaf off a broccoli plant, and a few stalks from a cucumber plant. Apparently this critter wanted to try just a little of everything. Planted the Star of Persia (I hope it takes!). Getting excited about tomatoes, broccoli, and squash starting to grow.
7. Enjoyed the last of a set of homemade meals a family from church had given us last Sunday - leftovers from a party we could not attend the day before. They tried to think of who would appreciate it most and thought of us - which really touched us since I had been working so much last week we hadn't had time to go grocery shopping for this week yet.
8. Spent the later evening at home playing with Luciana and relaxing. (And had time to write on my blog!) Looking forward to vanilla ice cream with bananas and peanut butter later!
Nothing overwhelmingly special happened. And there were lots of less-than-ideal moments: We had to deal with construction traffic. I couldn't find exactly what I was looking for on my errands. I had to pay a baby-sitter for five hours during which I earned no money. I took stock of my rain-beaten perennials and realized the damage was worse than I had realized. But those things were just little drops in a bucket of contentment.
I have been thinking a lot lately about the pace of my life for the past several years and how very often on days like today I am just racing through trying to get to the end of it so I can do the same thing the next day. I often feel breathless (and perhaps bitter?) keeping up with myself. Maybe it was just the pleasant circumstances of the day, the company, or the beautiful weather that made it different, or maybe it was my attitude. Because even though I was fairly busy today, I feel rested, rejuvenated, and reminded of how great it is to enjoy the process of living.
It's a good feeling. It was a great day.
1. I woke up refreshed and happy. So did the baby.
2. I played a lovely volunteer fund-raiser for my favorite orchestra. I got to sight-read trios with two wonderful people while people walked around enjoying the lavish home gardens at which we were playing. No pay, but we did walk away with cuttings of a Star of Persia plant. So pretty!
3. Enjoyed the commute for the gig with my dearest friend. You know you have a special friendship when after three hours of talking, you feel a little panic when you turn onto her street because there is no way to fit all the conversations you have left into the two minutes before you arrive.
4. Came home to find that the newish baby-sitter had been fantastic with Luci. Not only that, but we enjoyed a few moments to converse and discovered we have all sorts of things in common.
5. Went out to run some errands and found my husband running the same errands after work. So fun to meet up unexpectedly and finish our errands together.
6. Worked in the garden just a bit - caging the tomato plants, snipping the arugula blooms, putting up a trellis for the cucumbers, and inspecting the new damage done by a critter who keeps eating my spinach and romaine plants, and which today also took one little bite out of a beautiful red strawberry, a leaf off a broccoli plant, and a few stalks from a cucumber plant. Apparently this critter wanted to try just a little of everything. Planted the Star of Persia (I hope it takes!). Getting excited about tomatoes, broccoli, and squash starting to grow.
7. Enjoyed the last of a set of homemade meals a family from church had given us last Sunday - leftovers from a party we could not attend the day before. They tried to think of who would appreciate it most and thought of us - which really touched us since I had been working so much last week we hadn't had time to go grocery shopping for this week yet.
8. Spent the later evening at home playing with Luciana and relaxing. (And had time to write on my blog!) Looking forward to vanilla ice cream with bananas and peanut butter later!
Nothing overwhelmingly special happened. And there were lots of less-than-ideal moments: We had to deal with construction traffic. I couldn't find exactly what I was looking for on my errands. I had to pay a baby-sitter for five hours during which I earned no money. I took stock of my rain-beaten perennials and realized the damage was worse than I had realized. But those things were just little drops in a bucket of contentment.
I have been thinking a lot lately about the pace of my life for the past several years and how very often on days like today I am just racing through trying to get to the end of it so I can do the same thing the next day. I often feel breathless (and perhaps bitter?) keeping up with myself. Maybe it was just the pleasant circumstances of the day, the company, or the beautiful weather that made it different, or maybe it was my attitude. Because even though I was fairly busy today, I feel rested, rejuvenated, and reminded of how great it is to enjoy the process of living.
It's a good feeling. It was a great day.
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Rolling, rolling, rolling... part 2
It was bound to happen.
This morning, after making sure all her needs were met and that she was happy, we laid Luciana on her playmat, then each went about our morning duties. A few moments later, Roman comes to me and asks - did you leave her on her tummy?
Uh-oh. I did not.
Just a few days after rolling tummy to back, she figured out how to go back to tummy. I don't know why she wants to since she doesn't really enjoy being on her tummy all that much. She's having a little trouble negotiating the arm that gets stuck underneath her, and she can only perform each roll in one direction so she gets stuck. And really, she hasn't figured out that she can roll both ways so she often just stay on her tummy, pushing up on her arms, complaining. She must have done it seven, make that eight, times today.
It was certainly inevitable. I was just hoping for a few more weeks of relative immobility!
Oh Luci, why do you have to grow up so quickly?
From Wednesday, tummy to back:
From this morning, back to tummy:
This morning, after making sure all her needs were met and that she was happy, we laid Luciana on her playmat, then each went about our morning duties. A few moments later, Roman comes to me and asks - did you leave her on her tummy?
Uh-oh. I did not.
Just a few days after rolling tummy to back, she figured out how to go back to tummy. I don't know why she wants to since she doesn't really enjoy being on her tummy all that much. She's having a little trouble negotiating the arm that gets stuck underneath her, and she can only perform each roll in one direction so she gets stuck. And really, she hasn't figured out that she can roll both ways so she often just stay on her tummy, pushing up on her arms, complaining. She must have done it seven, make that eight, times today.
It was certainly inevitable. I was just hoping for a few more weeks of relative immobility!
Oh Luci, why do you have to grow up so quickly?
From Wednesday, tummy to back:
From this morning, back to tummy:
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Rolling, rolling, rolling
Since I'm not keeping a baby book, I thought I better document this here before I forget it - like I did with her first smile, first bath, first giggle, first everything until now...
On a whim I put Luciana on her tummy this evening. She had been playing with her dangling toys on her playmat and seemed in good spirits, so I thought we'd give it a whirl. She doesn't always like it but she will usually tolerate it. (Her papi apparently does it several times a day when he's with her, but I only do it perhaps once a week when I think of it - hoping that all the snuggling and babywearing really does count for tummy time like they say it does.)
She was showing off her baby plank pose and I was lying down next to her on the floor. We were admiring how long and how high she was holding herself up, more than we'd seen before. Next thing I knew she had pushed herself right over and was lying on her back grinning at me. Her eyes were wide and she seemed surprised at what she had accomplished. She and I were both delighted so I promptly rolled her back over to her tummy to watch her do it again. I was hoping to be able to show her daddy but she rolled over before he could even turn back to see it (he had turned his back at the wrong time and only partially seen the first one). She was very pleased with herself! Then I realized that I should have videod it that second time, so I picked up my camera, put her on her tummy and started the video, hoping she'd have one more roll in her. Two or three minutes later she had completely given up on even holding up her head and was pretty unhappy that I wasn't holding her to celebrate her accomplishment. Oh well, maybe tomorrow I'll catch it on film.
I was very surprised she rolled over since she hasn't even tried to do so before that I could see. Sometimes she looks like she is trying to roll from her back to her tummy, but she only gets up to her side and then gets frustrated. Or falls asleep. Or finds her hand and lies there on her side sucking on it. I haven't been looking forward to the rolling stage because I like being able to put her down someplace and know she won't be doing much moving. Maybe she can delay her back to tummy roll though so I can enjoy this stage a bit longer! I'd selfishly like to put off mobility as long as possible. ;)
She was so tuckered out afterwards that she went to bed a whole hour earlier than normal.
On a whim I put Luciana on her tummy this evening. She had been playing with her dangling toys on her playmat and seemed in good spirits, so I thought we'd give it a whirl. She doesn't always like it but she will usually tolerate it. (Her papi apparently does it several times a day when he's with her, but I only do it perhaps once a week when I think of it - hoping that all the snuggling and babywearing really does count for tummy time like they say it does.)
She was showing off her baby plank pose and I was lying down next to her on the floor. We were admiring how long and how high she was holding herself up, more than we'd seen before. Next thing I knew she had pushed herself right over and was lying on her back grinning at me. Her eyes were wide and she seemed surprised at what she had accomplished. She and I were both delighted so I promptly rolled her back over to her tummy to watch her do it again. I was hoping to be able to show her daddy but she rolled over before he could even turn back to see it (he had turned his back at the wrong time and only partially seen the first one). She was very pleased with herself! Then I realized that I should have videod it that second time, so I picked up my camera, put her on her tummy and started the video, hoping she'd have one more roll in her. Two or three minutes later she had completely given up on even holding up her head and was pretty unhappy that I wasn't holding her to celebrate her accomplishment. Oh well, maybe tomorrow I'll catch it on film.
I was very surprised she rolled over since she hasn't even tried to do so before that I could see. Sometimes she looks like she is trying to roll from her back to her tummy, but she only gets up to her side and then gets frustrated. Or falls asleep. Or finds her hand and lies there on her side sucking on it. I haven't been looking forward to the rolling stage because I like being able to put her down someplace and know she won't be doing much moving. Maybe she can delay her back to tummy roll though so I can enjoy this stage a bit longer! I'd selfishly like to put off mobility as long as possible. ;)
She was so tuckered out afterwards that she went to bed a whole hour earlier than normal.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
"She's so gentle."
I can't stop thinking about this thing that happened last night.
It is hot around here these days. Luci and I arrived home yesterday from an evening walking around the mall to an apartment that was 85 degrees. I, thinking I would be such a good mom, decided to give her a cool bath to give her some relief from the weather (the mall had not been as cool as I hoped it would be). I put her in her little bathtub and started filling it with water that felt refreshing to my arm. She was not as pleased as I hoped she would be, and as I continued to fill it with cool water, she became increasingly upset. I started filling the regular tub with warm water and moved her into the other part of the tub.
By the time I realized she was definitely not appreciating the cool water and could get her into the warmer water, she was pretty upset. Ok, she was absolutely screaming and writhing around. I spoke to her soothingly as I eased her into the warm water. As soon as she was there, she stopped crying, looked right at me, and beamed her wonderful smile at me. I couldn't believe how quickly she could turn from telling me about her immense displeasure with the situation to seemingly forgetting that the horrible moment had ever happened. Her forgiveness was immediate and complete. We finished up her bath with peace and contentment and I think she did feel refreshed after all having been in the water.
In the hospital when Luci was born, a nurse who was watching us as we got set up for a feeding made a simple comment: "She's so gentle." She probably thought nothing of it, but it struck me in that moment how true it was. Maybe it was normal for a two day old baby to be gentle, or maybe not, but this rang true in my heart. Gentleness is something I struggle with so much in my life. For years I have prayed for a gentle spirit. It made my heart so hopeful that she might be gifted with one from birth. She has continued in this gentleness since those early days. And not just in gentleness, but in patience. It is strange to describe a baby as patient, but there have been many times I knew she was ready to eat but she calmly and gently waited until I was ready to feed her. I now actually have to be careful not to take advantage of her patience - just because she will wait does not mean I should make her wait!
Today it was still 85 degrees in our house, so I decided to take a cool bath. After several moments in there, I realized I was actually suffering and not at all happy, and that what I really wanted was warm water. I remembered Luciana last night and thought how I was just like her.
Maybe she is also teaching me patience and gentleness.
It is hot around here these days. Luci and I arrived home yesterday from an evening walking around the mall to an apartment that was 85 degrees. I, thinking I would be such a good mom, decided to give her a cool bath to give her some relief from the weather (the mall had not been as cool as I hoped it would be). I put her in her little bathtub and started filling it with water that felt refreshing to my arm. She was not as pleased as I hoped she would be, and as I continued to fill it with cool water, she became increasingly upset. I started filling the regular tub with warm water and moved her into the other part of the tub.
By the time I realized she was definitely not appreciating the cool water and could get her into the warmer water, she was pretty upset. Ok, she was absolutely screaming and writhing around. I spoke to her soothingly as I eased her into the warm water. As soon as she was there, she stopped crying, looked right at me, and beamed her wonderful smile at me. I couldn't believe how quickly she could turn from telling me about her immense displeasure with the situation to seemingly forgetting that the horrible moment had ever happened. Her forgiveness was immediate and complete. We finished up her bath with peace and contentment and I think she did feel refreshed after all having been in the water.
In the hospital when Luci was born, a nurse who was watching us as we got set up for a feeding made a simple comment: "She's so gentle." She probably thought nothing of it, but it struck me in that moment how true it was. Maybe it was normal for a two day old baby to be gentle, or maybe not, but this rang true in my heart. Gentleness is something I struggle with so much in my life. For years I have prayed for a gentle spirit. It made my heart so hopeful that she might be gifted with one from birth. She has continued in this gentleness since those early days. And not just in gentleness, but in patience. It is strange to describe a baby as patient, but there have been many times I knew she was ready to eat but she calmly and gently waited until I was ready to feed her. I now actually have to be careful not to take advantage of her patience - just because she will wait does not mean I should make her wait!
Today it was still 85 degrees in our house, so I decided to take a cool bath. After several moments in there, I realized I was actually suffering and not at all happy, and that what I really wanted was warm water. I remembered Luciana last night and thought how I was just like her.
Maybe she is also teaching me patience and gentleness.
Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self,
the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit,
which is of great worth in God's sight.
1 Peter 3:3-4 (NIV)
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