Luciana: Four months

I had been a little nervous about this month. The famed fourth trimester was over and maybe we had to start thinking about being more careful with how we treated Luciana, now no longer a newborn. However, it seemed most of the things that could have been troublesome she had already taken care of for us. She already had started putting herself to a nap in her chair instead of in my arms and her interest in the world kept her from snuggling with me all day long. Once we got there, I felt I didn't actually have to worry.

On her four month well-baby check-up on May 9, she weighed 10 pounds and 12 ounces, was 22.5 inches tall/long, and her head was 15.5 inches around. Precisely double her birth weight! Part of the reason I like my pediatrician so much is that he doesn't talk a lot about percentiles. Moms do enough comparing and worrying about their babies - I don't want that to be encouraged in me; I prefer to let Luciana be Luciana. She is growing well and eating well, and even getting a bit of chunk on her!

At her appointment she was very alert and her usual social self, and the doctor was very pleased with her interactions. She showed off her awesome EC skills and peed in the sink on cue before getting naked to be weighed on the scale. The doctor teased her about being so social he needed to do some six-month tests and that with her potty skills she must think she's two years old!

The most exciting thing that happened this month was that she started sleeping one 4-6 hour stretch every night, and sometimes two long stretches. It's amazing how much better a night is when you get to sleep a long stretch - I had forgotten what that was like!

She sucks on her hands a lot, sometimes so hard that she gags herself. She also stares at them so intently her eyes cross.

She still loves to stand whenever possible. Her daddy can get an adorable giggle and laugh out of her, and they continue to enjoy interactive conversations. She and I spend a lot of time singing, which every once in a while she will initiate. She now notices her hanging toys and sometimes reaches for them.

She loves smiling at herself in the mirror. Her adorable little smile is no longer a full-head experience, but it still involves her tongue, which is so cute. She is starting to put everything in her mouth that she can and we often find her with her tongue out.

She can't roll over yet but she often rolls to her side and then gets frustrated. When she is sleepy, her eyes still get red, but now she knows how to rub them.

This was not a super-happy month, especially for the first few weeks as she went through a growth spurt. Lots of fussing, relatively speaking. On the other hand, she has become very interested in her environment and spends lots of time looking around.

I still wear her all wrapped up which we both enjoy. She's starting to get a little too big to wear at church - when I sit at the piano the microphone is right where her head is!

We are getting used to our new patterns around here, and I personally am starting to feel back to some kind of normal - something I realize I haven't really felt since before I was pregnant. I finished up an incomplete at school, and have played several gigs. We've gone to the beach a few times and planted our garden.

Overall, it's more or less back to normal life around here, we just have another little person with whom to enjoy it.

Friendly Competition

Last week I played an orchestra cycle with a symphony where I am principal 2nd violin. I've been in this position for the past year and subbed into this position several times before that. I've played with the conductor for many years and have played countless gigs with the concertmaster and other principal string players. It is a situation where I normally feel confident, at-ease, and happy.

This past week, I had a new stand partner and a new person sitting to my right as assistant concertmaster. I happened to have heard both these two new violinists' auditions and so I knew they were both fabulous and confident players. As we played through the first rehearsal, there was a weird dynamic as the four of us tried to figure out how to play together: we struggled a bit with keeping the same tempo and phrasing, with different people each asserting their own ideas about the music. I was intimidated and thus held back, second guessing myself and deferring to my stand partner, assuming that she was right with her interpretation of the conductor's beat (even though she was new) and with her entrances (even though she was also essentially sight-reading).

I should be clear that both these ladies are lovely and no one was trying to create a power struggle. It is also possible I was the only one who felt the push and pull. Nevertheless, that first rehearsal was a bit confusing for me and made me feel insecure.

I thought back to a moment several years ago where I was sitting concertmaster for an orchestra cycle at my undergraduate school, and I knew there were several capable players behind me. I wilted a bit and my lack of confidence became apparent. My teacher approached me and said, there is a reason we placed you concertmaster and it is not because you go to this school. She instilled confidence in me so that I would act like the leader she was expecting me to be.

I thought about that comment a lot last week during rehearsals, remembering that this conductor had also hand-selected me for the position I was in. I gradually found it easier to trust myself and to provide leadership. As I did so, and as we all learned to trust one another, that power struggle disappeared and we started playing together beautifully.

As I was driving to a gig last Saturday morning, I was listening to Boston Public Radio's Innovation Hub and their program on competition. There was a quote that grabbed my attention and helped everything click into place:

"Women assume on average that their opponents are as good as or better than them."

As a musician, it can unfortunately be easy to fall into looking at each of your colleagues as a sort of friendly opponent. After all, we see one another at auditions and in a way compete against one another for that one open chair. It is important in these situations to feel confident so that you can do your best. I, however, definitely fall into that trap of thinking probably everyone at the audition is better than I am and so I should just go home and not even bother.

The profession is one that continuously pits us against one another but then expects us to make great art together. We are ranked in chairs according to our audition five years ago, or the conductor's perception of us from the podium, or the concertmaster's whim, or some other bizarre combination of elements that we might never understand. In some of the orchestras I play in, I'm never certain if I'll be in the front or the back of the section, if where I am seated means anything or is just random, or what it means when subs are slotted in ahead of me as a contracted player. I try not to let it bother me, but it is there. At the same time, we must play together as a team, united with the common goal of making great music and moving our audiences. And generally, these people become our friends and we enjoy working and playing together.

Last week was a really important reminder. Yes, those other two violinists are very good. That does not mean however that I am by default very bad. There is room for lots of excellence in the world. Let me continue to strive for my own.

(My conclusion made me remember my friend Sarah's post about jealousy, which is very good and much more eloquent.)